Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."
I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.
They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!
A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.
Yeah, that was the punchline.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?
We just found out Grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than Grandma.
I was in the corner shop to buy some lottery tickets, and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!
One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.
"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
I used to date this girl only to find out she's a guy.
I guess you can say she had me in a trans.
I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.
And then I noticed that my cat was missing.
Are you twinning today? Because The Rock would be shocked!
What is the only thing worse than being told you're adopted?
Still being in the orphanage at 13.
I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"
When you know you have a gay friend, but you find out that they like you!
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
One day, a little girl was texting her friend. "Guess what, Angelica!" said the little girl.
"What?" Angelica replied.
"I'm a guy."
I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.
What do you say when a person trips?
You say, "Why you trippin'?"
Mom: I was an orphan once. The kid: Oh, ok, idgaf. Mom: And you're gonna be too! :) The kid: Ok, idgaf- WAIT WHAT THE FU-
