Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J," Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter " go bye your self something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice," they both look at craig as he pulls out a letter. craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THER BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throughs down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
I'm surprised BLESSEDBRIAN can fit through the door, considering how INFLATED his ego is
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
life is like a box of choclates, they f*cking melt :)
dad: "honey ill be right back i need to get some papers " me: "ok" falls asleep.. *wakes up in an adoption center* damn it was those kind of papers..
gumball: what's that? Is it a twig? banana Joe: no. Darwin: Is it a leaf? banana Joe: no. Gumball: What is it then? banana Joe: It's my BUTT!!!
An old man saw the TikTok trend of people throwing it back the old man wanted to do it with his wife the man set up everything needed a did the video I threw it back first then his wife bust instead of an old lady it was ashes
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said don't look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said "What's that?". Timmy's dad said "that's Mr.wiggles". Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said don't look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said "What's that?". Timmy's mom said "that's my garden". Timmy's mom said don't look up. Timmy looked up. Timmy said "What are those?". Timmy's mom said those are her headlights. Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said don't look under the covers. Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"
So, I got my blind friend a big Mac for his birthday, a week later he walked up to me and said "Damn, that was the most violent book I've ever read."
**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him ... everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing ... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market ... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
A Blond and her Brunette friend where chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her. To not be outdone the blond retort's. Thats nothing once we we're in the kitchen I can't believe I didn't see it coming one minute I turned and He just got it all on my face it was so thick and hard! it covered my mouth, my nose,my shoulders, and eyes it even got in my hair; and when i looked up at him all he could say was whoops the Flower went everywhere!
Knock knock who is there old lady old lady who?
I DID NOT KNOW YOU CAN YOLDL
Why did hellen hate when her dad yelled at her.
Oh wait she didn’t know🤣🤣
There was a news the other where a magician disappeared. He was like"at the count of 3 I will disappear aight...Uno, Des,and he disappeared without a trace.
Orphan lady: ok kids, someone donated groceries Orphans: YAY! 5 minutes late.. Orphans: Wait..wheres the.. Orphan lady: *tries to hold daughter* Person who donated: *holds milk in hand* hehe
why were the twin towers sad
they ordered dominos and got jets
A blonde, redhead and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.
After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"
The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"
The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"
"Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.
The three go back to conversing and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.
"What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.
"I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.
"Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.
"I was on top!"
All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.
"Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.
"I'm having puppies!"
"today was the word day ever","why", because my ex got his by a bus, and i lost my job as a bus driver".
A dad told his son never to hit girls so the sun repeid i promis. When the sun got older he was doing the dirty with "a girl " and the girl sais spank me daddy.... and the sons repsonds my dad said never to hit a girl. and the "girl" takes of the wig and its his dad and the dad said good job son!.. Son:...... um
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes, and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY but I didnt know they're conjoined twins.
