Surprise jokes

A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Bikini.

Bikini who?

Oh, that was just a bikini.

It's only rape.

If she finds out.

"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"

"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."

Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"

Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"

Knock knock, Who's there? Dad. You came back?

What’s 8 inches and women scream when they see it?

A puppy, you dirty monkey!

A man gets an email from his doctor.

"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."

The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?

Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.

Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.

It's no surprise Donald Trump moved to Florida. That's where the oranges are.

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?

"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

Lil Johnny looked a lil bonny, but then when he saw Tommy, he decided to bomb me.

There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?