Little Jimmy was in the shower singing "Dame Tu Cosita" , and her mom heard it and went to the shower, and Jimmy's mom saw Jimmy wearing a bathing suit and the shower, and Jimmy yells "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP"
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollars at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. WHEN I GO OUTSIDE TOMORROW THERE BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 to 200 IN 6 SECONDS". Bill Says, "Ok". The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it..It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie... And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!". I immediately stopped watching changed the channel
(Me) Hey bro tell me a joke! (My friend) Your mom *Starts Laughing* (Me) *Fakes laughs* *then points a gun at him* At this moment he knew he fucked up.
Mia: I'm Preganant Again Paul I Can't wait for you to come home. Paul: I Got a Tree to Hit on the Way
Family feud after finding out about Alabama
my dog went threw my bathroom garbage and for some reason my sister put a bunch of ketchup packets in there...
In China just when you think you know everything....then boooom. A gay chicken....hahahaha
Your mom wants to tell you that your adopted but you were an orphan.
why were the people in the twin towers upset? they ordered pepperoni pizza but instead they got plane
Me: Hey Jim! Jim: I'm now a cannibal. Me: WAIT, JIM! N-
jack and jill went up a hill so jill could lik jacks candystik but jill got a suprise wen she saw her borfiend rik he got so angre jack has no candestik no more jill went home whith a black i and rik got arested for cuting jacks candystik
i remember my moms last words before her divorce, did you just load in me.
Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured "well that escalated quickly..."
One day when I driving around our children's school with my wife she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did we hear a loud, long scream.
That moment when you think the music is loud enough to fart and no one would notice but then you realize that you have headphones it.
I don't understand why people hide under there blankets it's not like the killers gonna be like, I'm gonna kill-....ahh man he's under his blanket
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... Sleeping, but sees something moving so she gets a chair and wacks it then she says" I thought it was a mouse 🐁"
Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present
I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.
