Suicide jokes
Person: What's your perfect date look like?
Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.
I wanna take drowning lessons, but I can't find more than one session.
My friend tried high-fiving me; I left him hanging.
Shout out to the terrorists, your year is starting off with a bang!
"I miss you.
Being happy was never that hard without you..."
Someone's dad: You think he/she wants to join me? I didn't get the milk...
"Do you have a noose?"
"Nose?"
"Yeah, noose- nose... I heard yours was stuffed lately--haha."
"I actually smell something--like a corpse. Is it you?"
"No."
*Dying on the inside has never been so detectable.*
I told an emo kid that we were going to hang (hangout), but they took it too literal.
If I died and went to heaven, do you think Iād be friends with Prince?
The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.
What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?
I can get my grandma 50% off from her groceries by just scanning my wrist.
How did the inkjet printer kill himself?
He drank cyan-ide.
Why did 10 kill itself?
Because it was between 9/11.
I keep hearing "Obesity kills."
My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"
What's the one thing that makes a depressed person jump? A bridge.
Me die.
I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.
And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."
What did the tree say to the depressed kid?
"Stop hanging around."
Why did the suicide bomber get promoted?
Because he was blowing up at work. šš
When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.
How do pigs kill themselves?
They commit Kermit-cide.