New Suicide Jokes

If a baby dies in the womb , is it considered suicide?

Q. Why did Hitler shoot himself? A. Because his mother taught him to take out the trash.

I’ve been munching away on these new tic tacs recently and honestly, they are really good. It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty tho, so it’s time to get some more!

Tons of people committed suicide on 911 by destroying government property Not to mention and by plane

It’s OK if emo kids always hang from the trees, but if we do it, it’s considered against the law.

What tree is every emo kid trying to find?

The hanging tree.

What's the difference between Rorochan and Skydivers?

One does it for the cash, the other for the views.

DON'T COMMIT SUICIDE, THAT WOULD MAKE DJUNGELSKOG SAD!!!

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

Adolf Hitler

Hugging Leo is a great way to commit SUICIDE... you’d just drown in all her FATNESS

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

Did you know Disney is making a movie for suicidal people? They're calling it Finding Emo.

What do you call a gay kid that killed himself?

A byebyesexual.

Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

Guys I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things. *proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*

What does a depressed kid who loves geometry use to kill themself? A hypoteNUSE!

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"