Suicide jokes

— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?

— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said no, "Why the fuck would I adopt you?" and I said "I'm gonna kill myself," and she also said, "Make sure you do it right this time."

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

I'm a magician. Watch my closing act at the end of the rope.

What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.

Shout out to the terrorists, your year is starting off with a bang!

What's the one thing that makes a depressed person jump? A bridge.

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

I wanna take drowning lessons, but I can't find more than one session.

My friend tried high-fiving me; I left him hanging.

If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?

The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.

I told an emo kid that we were going to hang (hangout), but they took it too literal.

What's the best way to tell your friend you hate them? Option 1: Kill them. Option 2: Walk away. Option 3: Kill each other.

Me: Why can't I just kms and leave them the pain?

Person: What's your perfect date look like?

Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.

What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?

"I miss you.

Being happy was never that hard without you..."

Someone's dad: You think he/she wants to join me? I didn't get the milk...

What type of people have the world record for most stories read in the shortest amount of time?

Emos, some of them are still in the air.

What is the difference between a Walking Dead and you? He doesn't feel pain.

I can get my grandma 50% off from her groceries by just scanning my wrist.

"Do you have a noose?"

"Nose?"

"Yeah, noose- nose... I heard yours was stuffed lately--haha."

"I actually smell something--like a corpse. Is it you?"

"No."

*Dying on the inside has never been so detectable.*