Suggestion jokes
Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.
Google is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.
Is Google a male or female?
Female because it doesn’t let you finish your sentences before making a suggestion.
More like so they can fuck him, am I right?
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
Q: What's the best way to eat a squirrel?
A: Open up its little legs.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it a la mode.
You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
Boy: "Why can't you get a family?"
Me: "Why can't you get a rope?"
Boy: "What do you mean?"
Friend and me: "We can show you."
Me: "I will tie the rope."
Friend: "I will push the chair."
You should go soul searching. Maybe you'll find one.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.
Boy: Spell ME.
Girl: M-E.
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There is no D in ME.
Boy: Not yet.
Q: What did the porn actress say when she opened the door?
A: Make sure to come upstairs!
I wanna ram your PCIe slot.
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".
My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.
When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?
Any more song suggestions?
We should give whoever killed Hitler a statue. Oh wait, never mind.