Artifact jokes

Where do cows keep their historical cultural artifacts?

In the mooseum.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

What's a similarity between The Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail and a bunch of 12 year olds?

They are all locked in the Priest's basement.

Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.

So a woman walks into a magician's toy store and browses the collection. Among which was a black, phallic-looking object. She brings it to the counter and asks, "what's this?"

The cashier explains that it's a magical dildo that will listen to whatever you say, "fuck me in the ass," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the ass, "fuck me in the pussy," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the pussy, "faster," it'll go faster, "harder," it'll go harder. She bought this magical artifact and went home for a night of fun and pleasure.

After receiving several orgasms from the magical dildo, she'd had enough, and she told it to stop, but it didn't. The dildo continued to penetrate her, it would go harder and faster, but it refused to stop or slow down. In a panic, she ran over to her car and drove to the hospital to get it surgically removed. Her panic made her disregard the traffic rules, and she quickly found herself pulled over by a cop. As she pulled down her window, the cop leaned towards the door and asked "Do you have any idea how fast you were going!?", the woman tried to explain the situation, she told the officer about the magical dildo stuck in her pussy, but the officer didn't believe her, "magical dildo, my ass" he said, and the lady drove home.

What did the people who cracked the Liberty Bell get for breaking it?

The no-bell prize.

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.

My arms are just a different texture pack compared to my body.

One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.

What is a gun that Africa doesn't have? A water gun.