Speed jokes

What’s faster than a black guy with the TV?

His little brother with the console.

I saw a kid in a wheelchair and I screamed, "EXTREME PARKOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Imagine if the kid in a wheelchair was in Fast and Furious. His wheelchair is the only one that keeps him going.

What do you call a Pokémon who can’t move very fast?

A Slowpoke.

What’s got 4 wheels, does a barrel roll, and goes from green to red in seconds?

Kermit in a car crash.

Jesus lives on a long timeline, so he may seem slow to you.

Roses are red, bow down to your master, children are fast, but I am faster.

Yo mama so fat, Flash couldn't run around her.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.

What's red all over and spins at 100 mps?

Baby in a blender.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

Do you know where time is? Because it keeps flying by.

I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump 😬.

What did the snail say to his ex-wife?

"I'm still leaving you!"

This one is for Gwen, I'm sorry people are so mean to you.

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.

The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.

What's red and white and goes 250 miles per hour?

A baby in a blender ;)

What runs faster than Stephen Hawking in his wheelchair?

His Internet.

You can easily outrun a midget because they have to run twice as much as you do.

Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.

Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.

Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."

The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."

The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"