What's red all over and spins at 100 mps?
Baby in a blender.
Whatβs faster than a black guy with the TV?
His little brother with the console.
Why can't gays drive faster than 68 mph?
Because at 69 they blow a rod.
What is the fastest way to spread a rumor?
Telephone? No.
Television? No.
How then? Tell a woman!
What did the snail say to his ex-wife?
"I'm still leaving you!"
I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump π¬.
Do you know where time is? Because it keeps flying by.
This one is for Gwen, I'm sorry people are so mean to you.
All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?
Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
What's red and white and goes 250 miles per hour?
A baby in a blender ;)
What runs faster than Stephen Hawking in his wheelchair?
His Internet.
You can easily outrun a midget because they have to run twice as much as you do.
Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.
Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.
Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.
Q: Whatβs a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Who are the fastest readers?
9/11 victims, they did 98 stories in 10 seconds.
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
When does the slowest person go as fast as a train?
When he is on the train.
Why do midgets giggle when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Q: What do you call a chip that goes fast?
A: A rocket chip.
