Speed jokes

I saw a kid in a wheelchair and I screamed, "EXTREME PARKOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Imagine if the kid in a wheelchair was in Fast and Furious. His wheelchair is the only one that keeps him going.

What do you call a Pokémon who can’t move very fast?

A Slowpoke.

What’s got 4 wheels, does a barrel roll, and goes from green to red in seconds?

Kermit in a car crash.

Why did the cheetah get sad?

'Cause it didn't have any balls to suck.

Jesus lives on a long timeline, so he may seem slow to you.

Roses are red, bow down to your master, children are fast, but I am faster.

Yo mama so fat, Flash couldn't run around her.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.

What's red all over and spins at 100 mps?

Baby in a blender.

I’d pound your mom so fast, even Sonic would get jealous!

Do you know where time is? Because it keeps flying by.

I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump 😬.

What did the snail say to his ex-wife?

"I'm still leaving you!"

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricants.

This one is for Gwen, I'm sorry people are so mean to you.

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.

The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.

What's red and white and goes 250 miles per hour?

A baby in a blender ;)

What runs faster than Stephen Hawking in his wheelchair?

His Internet.

You can easily outrun a midget because they have to run twice as much as you do.

Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.

Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.

Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.