Speed jokes
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
When does the slowest person go as fast as a train?
When he is on the train.
Why do midgets giggle when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Q: What do you call a chip that goes fast?
A: A rocket chip.
Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on the internet, it will take a day to send!
Memes
Your mother is so fast, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack.
In the new Justice League movie, Flash can break glass by touching it, why is that?
Because Flash is not supported on Windows.
What's the difference between a road bump and children crossing the road?
A road bump will make you slow down when you drive over it.
Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush!
How many babies does it take to paint wheels red?
It depends on your speed.
Why don't cheetahs say goodbye?
Because they are not going to work.
Why'd Susie go down the slide too fast?
Because her wheelchair was good.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch cold.
I sexually identify as kilometers per second.
Cuz I really wanna km/s (kill myself).
I was riding ya mom... LIKE SHE’S MARIO KART!
Why is the cheetah so fast?
Because it can't walk slow.
What mountain do people like to race on?
Mount Rushmore.
Get it?
Why does Sonic wear gloves? Because his hands are cold.
A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."
The officer said, "There is no traffic."
The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!