Speed jokes
Q: Whatβs a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
When does the slowest person go as fast as a train?
When he is on the train.
Who are the fastest readers?
9/11 victims, they did 98 stories in 10 seconds.
Your mother is so fast, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack.
Memes
Q: What do you call a chip that goes fast?
A: A rocket chip.
In the new Justice League movie, Flash can break glass by touching it, why is that?
Because Flash is not supported on Windows.
They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the fuck runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
Why do midgets giggle when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Roses are red, Your mum's a queer, Fucking hell, Canβt get out of first gear!
Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on the internet, it will take a day to send!
What's the difference between a road bump and children crossing the road?
A road bump will make you slow down when you drive over it.
Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush!
How many babies does it take to paint wheels red?
It depends on your speed.
I sexually identify as kilometers per second.
Cuz I really wanna km/s (kill myself).
Why don't cheetahs say goodbye?
Because they are not going to work.
I can't tell what's farther, the Great Wall of China, or how far Paul Walker flew out of his windshield.
Why'd Susie go down the slide too fast?
Because her wheelchair was good.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch cold.
I was riding ya mom... LIKE SHEβS MARIO KART!