Son jokes

An Asian gets a choice between his rice cooker or his son. He instantly picks the cooker and says, "He got a B+ in maths last week; he's a failure!"

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

I bought my fat wheelchair son a treadmill for his birthday, then that big brainless special motherfucker cried over it and threw a fit cuz his fat special ass couldn't get up out of his wheelchair and said for Jesus to raise him up and give him working and movable legs.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday.

The ungrateful boy sat in his wheelchair the whole time.

Why did the family move away?

Because they lost their son.

Son, what is 1 plus 1?

Dad, I don't know.

Son, it is 2.

Dad, oh, I was gonna say 2.

Dad: I'm dying.

Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].

Dad: Really, now is not the time.

Son: I'm sorry.

Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?

12 year old me: Yeah!

Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?

Me: What?

What do you call your son?

An mistake.

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."

The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"

The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

A man went hunting with his son and shot an animal.

The father asks the son to identify the animal he just shot, and the son answers: "Holy Cow!"

Father: "What do you mean, 'Holy Cow?'"

Son: "You shot a hole in the cow, of course!"

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

Mummy, how was I born?

Mummy replied, "Well, your father and I got married, and soon I became fat and you came out, and then in, out, in, out, and after you did that a million times, you were born."

How does a blonde punish her blind son? She takes away his TV privileges.

How does a blonde punish her deaf son? She takes away his telephone privileges.

How does a blonde punish her paraplegic son? She gives him a spanking.

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.