Someone's jokes
At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone!
Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?
Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: Okay, Dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.
Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.
I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."
Why did the orphan kill someone? Because it would make him wanted.
Me: I have depression.
Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!
Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.
I was exploring the Dubai trophy factory when someone came crashing in. It was him, Pristiano Penaldo. He held the workers at gunpoint, forcing them to make him another plastic Mickey Mouse award or he will dive and sue them for assaulting him. Shame on you, pendu!
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂
Looks like someone's funny bone's broken!
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.
Ok, so I'm bored, depressed, and lonely. Someone wanna talk?
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
Q: What kind of person has 100% ambition and never gives up if someone gets in their way?
A: A rapist.