Smoking jokes
What do you call a Muslim who drinks, smokes, and fools around with other women?
Turkish.
Smoking a fag in the UK means to smoke a cigarette.
Smoking a fag in the USA means to kill a homosexual.
What do you call a fat, lazy person who smokes weed? A baked potato.
“Wanna smoke, kids?” is an offer to do drugs.
“Wanna smoke kids?” is an offer to kill.
Smoking a fag in Britain: 🚬
Smoking a fag in America: hate crime.
How do you get a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.
Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?
He was told to high-jack it.
A bear and a rabbit are at a bar getting high, smoking weed, talking about nothing but lies and straight up garbage.
And then the bear starts to drink too much damn liquor, gets drunk, and asks the rabbit, "Can I have one more scotch, pretty please?"
And the rabbit says, "Hell to the naw, I'm not about to carry your drunk ass home with me and smell your breath."
What do you call a burning church?
Holy smokes.
What does a shark smoke? Sea-weed.
How do whales breathe underwater? They take a deep meth.
A little chimney said: "Ooooh, I think my house owner is making a fire in me! I'm about to smoke!"
The big chimney said next to him: "Well, you're too young to smoke..."
Why can’t girls in the Middle East smoke weed?
Because they’ll get stoned.
Why did the rapper smoke dope?
To learn how to drop some DOPE beats!
Why are Germans good at smoking?
They had experience with smoking.
What's a native chick say after sex?
"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"
What cigarettes does Churchill's wife like to smoke?
Blue Winston.
A zebra couldn't find any grass. Then he saw a monkey cooking. He thought to steal a little, but he was burned in the fore, and the smoke was all over him. But when he went to the ocean, it was still there, and zebras are stuck in this style forever.
Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.
I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.
A guy once went hunting at a Hunting Ranch owned by a Hunter and his Wife. After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in Rancher’s Living-room. There they were having a grand ole time until the Rancher’s wife walks in. The Hunter looks at her and says “that’s a nice piece of ass you got your self there.” The Rancher replied “(with a harsh southern accent from years of cigarette smoke) You’ve never been so right in your life, honey why don’t show our guest your tits.” She agrees and then shows the hunter her plump DD cup breast. After he gets a good gander he says “Nice.” Then Rancher shouted “show em yer peker now Hon.” She agreed and whipped out a 13inch Johny, and twirled it around like how an Elephant would move his. Now dazed and confused the Hunter yells out “What in Sam Hill is that!!” and the Rancher replied “Now....Lemme tell you..There ain’t a thing like it”.
Johnny, Johnny?
Yes, Papa.
Eating sugar?
Yes, Papa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach, and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you’re mad at me for eating a little sugar.
Smoking? Telling lies?
Yes, Papa, you do all of those things because you’re a chronic addict.