Smoking jokes

What do you call a guy that's high in a wheelchair?

A baked potato.

Helicopter, helicopter, Kobe Bryant in my chopper, Sitting next to burning daughter, Lots of smoke and little laughter.

I like my women how I like my cigarettes: Smokin’ hot, and with a little saliva on the butt.

You could say Kobe's career went up in smoke.

After 9/11, the Twin Towers began to vape and smoke weed... 😔

What do you call a dude that is always high and gets higher than everyone else in the family? The alpha pothead!

What was Hitler's favorite thing to do to pass the time?

Smoking.

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

If she’s old enough to smoke, She’s old enough to choke.

If she’s old enough to pee, She’s old enough for me.

What’s the difference between a firefighter and Snoop Dogg?

Snoop Dogg inhaled less smoke during 9/11.

Vape company: Hey, want some lung cancer and a nicotine addiction?

Teens: NO WAY!

Vape company: But it’s mango flavored!

Teens: O OK. 😤

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke weed.

Jack and Jill got high, and Jack ripped Jill's clothes right off her. Then Jill ripped Jack's clothes off. Jack, when they were fully naked, they started to kiss, but Jack stopped. Jill said, "I know you wanna." Jack said, "No," but Jill jumped on that candy stick anyway. Jack gave in to Jill.

Jill got off, then let Jack suck her candy stick. Jill sucked on Jack's candy stick.

What does weed and the Carolina Panthers have in common?

They both get smoked in bowls.

The dear God created the man.

Then he created woman.

When he then saw what he had done, he took care of tobacco and alcohol.

What do you do if your dick is smoking?

Get your mum to lick it.

Which dog is owned by a kid called "Charlie Brown," raps, and smokes?

Snoopy Dog.

What was the last thing that went through PH's head?

Water and smoke.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.