Short jokes
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.
What’s the difference between football and rape?
Women don’t like football.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?
A: They were both shot in a theater.
Orphan: "I want to be a superhero."
Me: "You should be Batman."
Also me: *starts laughing* because Batman doesn't have parents...
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?
Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.
What's fast and almost got away?
A Mexican jumping the border.
A pun enters the room and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."
What do you call a homeless bounty hunter?
Hobo Fett!
How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.
What's black and white and hard as nails? A nun on speed!
Have you heard about the movie "Constipation"?
No, because it never came out...
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
I'd tell ya a poop joke, but you're my favorite turd.
How do you shut Helen Keller up?
You give her mittens.
What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?
"That hit the spot?"
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dinosnore!