Short jokes

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

What's the difference between an orphan and a baseball player?

The baseball player knows where home base is.

I'm no astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Why can't orphans really play baseball?

Because when they do, all the other kids tell that joke that everyone has heard more than 50 times.

Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."

Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"

Heyo, my children, hope you haven't forgotten about our cult!

A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?

(Getting brutally murdered.)

What does Kobe now have in common with his helicopter?

They both have torn rotators.

Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.

I don't see why people these days choose their gender. There's only two, it's Nerf or nothing! (I'm just joking, I honestly don't care.)

Just because you‘re suicidal, you don‘t have to be a quitter.

Wait, actually.

What did Joe Biden say when he got pulled over?

I'm just a-Biden the law, officer.

Tell an old person to pretend [they are] shaking salt in their mouth... you'll see!

I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.

What did the science textbook say to the math textbook?

You've got a lot of problems!

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

Why was the kid's report card all wet?

Because it was below "sea" level.

You're the type of person to wash your hands after a shower.

What do you call a deer who is funny?

Diraleous.