Short jokes
Me to my friend: I only date suicidal girls.
My friend: Why?
Me: Because that pussy is limited edition.
What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?
He became spotless!!!
I'm torn on the issue of abortion. I'm pro-abortion because it kills babies, but I'm against abortion because it gives women a choice.
What's the only thing with 4 legs Asians don't eat? A table.
My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
I'm glad I'm not a pornstar... that would be pretty sucky.
I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
Q: Have you ever felt a window?
A: Did you feel the pane?
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 10, since my basement's still dark.
My 2 year old Asian baby cant do calculus Look who in sweatshop now
What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
Why do orphans go to church on family day? cuz they get to spend time with their father.
My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.
Then I asked him how many years ago.
He replied with, "When were you born?"
I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.
I like my women how I like my fridge.
In the kitchen.
What do you call a mountain of kittens?
A meowtain.