Short jokes

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

Go drop-kick an orphan. No one will know, not like his parents would know.

Suicide is the way to get even with the bitch called probability.

What’s a hairdresser’s favorite roast? Flat iron roast.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

Because it had a virus.

What body part do pigs have that humans don’t have?

A hambone.

A girl named Sally has no arms.

"KNOCK KNOCK"

She never answered...

Where do fish keep their money?

In a riverbank!

Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?

They only come out for the boos.

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are up.

If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

[god creating alligators]

God: See that log?

Angel: Yes...?

God: Now fill it with teeth.

Angel: Say again?

God: FILL IT WITH TEETH!

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

Why did the skunk 🦨 sleep 💤 under a car?

Because he wanted to wake up oily.

What do ghosts put on their bagels 🥯?

Scream cheese.

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

1 like = 1 kid in the bed with me.

Why are orphans good at dodgeball?

They can dodge adoptions.

I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.