Short jokes
So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.
I'm going to draw a picture. A picture with a twist. I'll draw it with a razor blade. I'll draw it on my wrist.
What's a kidnapper's favorite shoes?
White vans.
You know Bofa? Bofa deez nuts.
When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.
A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.
The world exploded, so now I need to visit Uranus.
Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".
What do you call a grown up with your sister? Your best friend.
moo.
What’s Mexico’s favorite sport?
Cross country.
Are you electricity? 'Cause I wanna get a bath with you ;)
My girlfriend is like treasure to me.
You need a shovel to find her.
Q: What was Hellen Keller's favorite game as a kid?
A: Musical chairs.
Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrrrrrr!
I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.
What's a furry's favorite news network?
Fox!
Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
Dad: "Yes, we arson."
What do you do when an orphan takes a family photo?
A selfie.
[god creating alligators]
God: See that log?
Angel: Yes...?
God: Now fill it with teeth.
Angel: Say again?
God: FILL IT WITH TEETH!
What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.