Short jokes
Mommy, mommy! Are we liars?
"Shut up and cross your fingers when you say that."
If Stephen Hawking was a boxer, he would roll with the punches.
If Carlsberg did wheelchairs...
Most people my age have had sex. Not my fault I'm not able to fit in.
Why is he called Stephen Hawking?
Because he is always trying to hawk up phlegm to clear his throat.
I'll tell you a good joke. Stephen Hawking went for a walk.
What is Stephen Hawking's favorite football anthem?
You'll Never Walk Alone.
Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?
Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.
Life's a bitch, and then you die. I now see what they mean.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus? A porkupine!
How do astronauts have a party?
They planet.
When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time... and walk past.
Roberto: Judd, your DNA looks like the infinite symbol.
Judd: Roberto, your DNA looks like a pasta noodle.
You can slap, punch, knock out an orphan, what will they do? They don't have parents!
What do you call a movie about an orphan?
The Bat Man.
Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!
Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!
Why did the bounty hunter not cash in an orphan?
He was not worth keeping.
Why did the judge dismiss court when the orphan walked in?
Even a gay prison wouldn't want him.
What's the difference between a God and my mom?
My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."
My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."