Short jokes

Why do emos like yo-yo's? Cos they get strangled by the string.

I would tell a scoliosis joke.

But that would be completely out of line.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

What do fat demons hate? Exorcise.

I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

Many soles were lost.

What do Paul Walker and I have in common? Neither of us have seen Fast and the Furious 7.

How do you know when an orphan is lying?

When they say, "I swear on my mother's life."

What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?

A microtransaction.

I was in the corner shop and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!

A lion, Johnny Depp, and a hockey player from Nashville all have one thing in common.

They're all Predators!

One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.

what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.

Therapist: So what brought you here today?

Wife: He's too literal.

Therapist: And you, sir?

Husband: My truck.

My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.

I got raped by my therapist... now I know where the name comes from!

Roses are red, violets are black, I traded my son for 10 Big Macs.

Lost my virginity to a down syndrome the other day... only cause I wanted my first time to be special.

The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.

The teacher is asking you a question.

Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"

Me: "Dead."