Short jokes
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
What did the make-a-wish kid say when the Avengers turn up without Tony Stark?
"We are in the endgame now!"
Roses are red, lilacs are purple, I have a turtle, his name is Squirtle.
billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.
I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.
Two nuns were sitting on a bench. A flasher flashed them, and one of the nuns had a stroke... but the other one was too far away :)
What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles over your head with a 5 foot rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them, haha!
What did the brother cell say when the sister cell stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis! (my toe, sis)
Your mom gay.
Justin Bieber
My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.
It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!
Rape jokes aren't funny.
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman... no other reasons besides that.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?
I don't know, but man can it pick lettuce.
What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?
I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!
What’s the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?
So, it was you....
Your hairline is so far back, even the Flintstones knew of it.
My Grandpa killed 30 Air Force pilots in WW2. He was a very bad mechanic.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.