Short jokes
Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?
Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.
Your classmate: You're so ugly.
Me: That's what your mom said when she had you and called you a mistake.
I have a taste for some roast duck until the feathers will pop right out and say, "Quack, quack."
Kalyn: Mrs. Frizzle,
Mrs. Frizzle: Sure.
Kalyn: Can you spell I-C-U-P for me?
Mrs. Frizzle: Shut up, you little fucktard!
Q: What did the fetus say to the tongs?
A: See you on the flip side.
A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat the broccoli.
What do you call a train that stalls?
The little engine that couldn't!
You really can't call Stalin bad, just think about the kids that depression.
My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.
My daughter is super smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a train? The train will touch me.
Why was 911 annoyed at the pizza guy?
Because they ordered meat lovers, but they got plane.
Your mum isn't home.
What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
If you are a banana, why don't you eat a banana?
Oh right, you'd be a cannibal. I mean a banan-i-ball.
Why didn't the orange go to the doctor?
Because he had vitamin C.
Why can't orphans have friends?
They will stay together.
Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the British bastard and get the egg roll.