Short jokes
There is one good part about paedophiles... they go slow in school zones.
One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.
What do you call the day before Christmas Eve? Christmas Adam.
I'm listening to a song about fish--it's very catchy.
How many apps did he download?
Well, he did run out of storage.
I trained a wolf to meditate, so now she's aware-wolf.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite genre of music? Rock and roll.
We should enjoy the present while it's here. Do you know why they call it the present? Because it's a gift.
Why wasn’t the duck afraid to cross the road? Because he wasn’t chicken!
Electricity.
Why did Sally decide to fly to school?
She couldn't drive.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
John took a bath with bubbles.
Bubbles was a man.
What has a head and tail but no legs?
A penny.
If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?
Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.
At weddings, old people tell kids, "You're next!"
At funerals, little kids tell old people, "You're next!"
Is it okay to say "nice to meat you" to a vegan?
9/11
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts lolololol hahahahah.