Short jokes
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Somebody threw an EMP at him.
10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!
Why did the pedo cross the road?
To get to the pre-school on the other side.
You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.
Rules of dark humor.
1. Everything shall be touched.
2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
Christianity.
I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.
If you put an amputee with no limbs in a snuggie, it becomes a stubbie.
What's tall, has a twin, and is in Manhattan?
Nothing, Bin Laden destroyed them all.
Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.
Me: Nah, it's just two tired.
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?
They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
How do u catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.
So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"
The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"
How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?
Power off his chair.
What comes next in the pattern, ottffs?
S, because it represents numbers going up: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
What do you call a soda can’s dad? Pop!
One day, I sit in the lounge on a chair.
Man, I’m so sorry that Stephen Hawking is dead; he was such a good person.
Too bad it’s a staircase to Heaven and not a ramp.
Not all cat puns are purr-fect; some just have their claws.