Short jokes
Why do emos cut themselves?
To play noughts and crosses.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
Jose and Hose B.
Why can't Michael Jackson play baseball?
He made a hit and run!
What did the soccer player say to the flight attendant? "Please put me in coach!"
OK, OK, eat your shirt.
A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."
How many letters are in the English Alphabet?
Twenty-two. ET went home, P ran down his leg, and he took ME with him.
If you think about it, then adoption is the last choice for getting a child, so those who are adopted were the last choice.
I ought to complain to Spotify for you not being named this week’s hottest single.
I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?
Balloon 1: Watch out for cactus!
Balloon 2: Where is cactussssssss?
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
Why did Elsa's dog run away?
Because she let it go!
What's something an orphan likes but doesn't have?
A family.
What kind of cake can an orphan not have?
Homemade.
Why are Nazis so good at soccer?
Because they're so good at shooting.
You're so fat that I run around you for exercise.
What do you call an annoyed octopus?
Octopissy.
"Bill swift here, you make them, we take them!"
My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?
Divorced.