Short jokes
Your hairline so far back, it's a wide receiver for the Minnesota Vikings.
The only doctor you have is Doctor Pepper.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home.
Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.
I identify as the Titanic, because I'm a wreck.
What do you do if your dick is smoking?
Get your mum to lick it.
What do you call a priest that likes juice?
A Capriest Sun.
Your mum is so fat, all her relationships are long distance.
One man's trash is another man's treasure, he said when he found out his parents split up and he is being adopted.
Remember the name Ben Andrews.
Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
What do you call a dead black plantation worker? Fertilizer.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They have no home to run to.
Your teeth are so yellow, when you smile, you put the sun out of business.
Friend A: Do you like Wendy's?
Friend B: Yes, why?
Friend A: Wen-dez nuts in your mouth!
What's the difference between a mother and a father? The mother always comes back from the shop.
Are you the Twin Towers? 'Cause you sure upgraded.
When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
"If your enemy is kicking your ass, blame it on the lag."
-- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."
Sun Tzu, The Art of War.