Short jokes
When did Michael say, "This is it"?
2009.
What does Michael Jackson like?
Teabags.
Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
What did the young Taliban member say to the old Taliban member?
"Okay, Boomer."
How do skyscrapers make friends?
They reach out.
Yo momma so slutty, she could use a tank truck as a dildo.
Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c—
MOO!
I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”
Yo mama so fat...
...people in Florida start buying flood insurance when they see her waddling toward the ocean.
Why did Marxism never catch on in England?
Because then it would be impossible to get proper tea.
Q. What's red and pink and spins around really fast? A. A baby in a blender.
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.
My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.
When the emo girl is in a movie and the director says, "Cut."