Short jokes
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
The nut is so solid, it’s peanut brittle.
Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.
I want an almond-flavored biscuit.
I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder milk.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
You can assume a horse is called a great jumper when the horse’s name is “Polo Neck”.
If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
IBC.
IBC who?
I'll be seeing you later.
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
What's the slowest train in the world? A slow coach!
How does a train dance?
It bogies!
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
Why woman?
Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.
That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.
This bitch won't message me anymore, what the fuck do I do? Why are bitches so sensitive?