Short jokes
Everyone: "Wow, you're so nice and perfect! Your life must be great!"
*Reality of having depression* Me: "Oh yeah, I guess. 😀"
What’s the benefit of dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
How do fat people settle arguments?
By seeing who can eat the most at a buffet.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
Why are Indian people bad at Monopoly?
Because whenever they hit the corner, they build a shop.
Why do emos suck at playing tic-tac-toe on their wrists?
Because when they win, they lose.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.
Why are gay men better than straight women?
Because gay men are more willing to look after kids once they swallow them.
When does a cub become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first brownie.
A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you..."
Why did Catholic women stop going to church?
Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.
When did Michael say, "This is it"?
2009.
What does Michael Jackson like?
Teabags.
Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c—
MOO!