Short jokes
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
What do orgasms and impulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?
House of Pain—"Jump Around."
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable!
Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
How do flat-earthers travel?
On a plane.
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.
Hahahahaha......... Autism.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
They say I have a silver tongue, I'll let you make it white.
We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.
My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.