Short jokes
If my boobies are fish, then am I salmon boobies? Please give generously.
Me: What’s that girl’s name from Phineas and Ferb, the sister?
Crush: Candice.
Me: Candice dick fit in your mouth?
Crush: *slaps me, walks away*
What's the difference between an air blower and Little Boy?
When the air blower blew, it did not wipe out Hiroshima.
What's the worst part about microwaving vegetables?
Fitting the wheelchair in.
How do you leave an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow!
Stephen Hawking went on a date last night.
She left after 15 minutes, complaining she didn't like his tone.
I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.
"How was your day?"
"It was great."
"What was so great about it?"
"I saw a puppy."
"Awww."
"And I ran over it :)"
Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.
When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal!
Roses are red, Kevin Spacey is gay,
If you'd stayed with your parents, I wouldn't have taken you away.
What do you call an all-you-can-eat buffet for a pedophile? A school bus.
TFW you're having sex with your German girlfriend and she won't stop telling you her age.
I guess that corn is a-maize-ing.
What do you call nitrogen in the day? You call it day-trogen!
You’ll need a bib when you’re done eating my ribs.
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
Don't bother; just try to live in England.
What did the mute man tell the blind man?
Nothing.
I got hit by a bus.
But the bus was my ex.