After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
Short Jokes
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
Your mom is so fat that she mains Heavy from the game Team Fortress 2!
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.
What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.
I really want to beat the living daylights out of you, but it's not worth getting the wooden spoon for garbage.
Why did the skeleton have no friends?
He was a boner!
Heheheh!
Ah, see ya soon kiddo.
I'm going on break.
I'll give you some fried snow later!
My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side!
What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?
I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
What do you call chill legumes?
Hippeas.
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a small dog?
Two nuts were walking down the street, and one was a-salted!
A man was taking a child into a dark forest.
The child said, "I'm scared!"
The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
