Short jokes
Me: I know why you don't have friends.
Kid: Why?
Me: Because you can't even figure that out.
How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"
Have you ever seen Helen Keller's dog?
Neither has she.
How do you punish a blind kid?
Move to a new house.
Why are half of the orphans blind? Because they can't find their parents.
I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.
What did one mountain climber say to the other mountain climber?
Man, you are really on edge.
Why don't midgets use tampons?
Answer: They are always tripping over the string.
What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?
Father's Day.
I have no toes, so I put blood on my foot, and then my other foot got run over, so, ye.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta-way.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
What do you call a Hippie's Wife? A Mississippi.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saurus.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
Hi, Bud!
What did momma seal name her twin girls?
Luceal and Sealia.
My mom wanted me to brush my hair.
And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
What would you name your pet rabbit?
Harry.
Did you hear the gossip about butter? Never mind, I butter not spread it...