Short jokes
What’s blue and comes in brownies?
Cub Scouts.
Why'd the rubber go flying across the room?
Because it got pissed off!
What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A dildo.
Ewwwwwww!
Ex: baby i miss u.
Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.
Ex: who died?!
Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.
What comes up on small oceans? Microwaves.
Spell "I hod."
What do your underwear and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They are both concerned about “Klingons near your anus”.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"What are you shaking for? She’s going to eat me!"
I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)
Jack and Jill went up a hill, each with a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down, and she had two-fifty! Oh, what a whore! (Andrew Dice Clay joke.)
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
Cool, new word of the day: Marijuana.
“Does Marry wanna smoke a joint?”
What do you call a guy who has sex on the Moon?
An “Astronut”!
Friend: Ooo, I see Jessica.
Me: Nice.
Friend: She got some red on her shirt.
Me: Yeah, that's where the Titanic hit her :///
Why does the adopted kid like playing GTA? Because he wants to be wanted.
If you go broke, you could always rent parking garages on your huge ass forehead.
SHUT UP EVERYBODY!
What’s the difference between an orphan and a baseball field?
One has a home.
A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."