She jokes

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.

A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.

The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.

With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?

A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.

Yo mama is so fat, she has her own personal gravity.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

Yo mama is so ugly, when she took a bath, the water jumped out.

Once there was a girl named Sally! She had no arms or legs, was mute, deaf, and blind.

Knock knock Who’s there? Not Sally.

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to take Snoop Dogg for a walk.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to put Vin Diesel in her gas tank.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to mop the floor with Taylor Swift.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to ring Kristen Bell.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to skim Dwayne Johnson across a lake.

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

Yo mama so fat, she wears Orion's belt!

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

Why did the woman want a boyfriend at least 2 🦶 taller?

So she could feel like a little girl and fulfill her rape fantasy.

Why can't a blonde call 911?

She can't find the 11.

First of all, if a woman sues Bill Cosby for drugging and rape 50 years ago, and she could still remember it, it couldn't have been all bad.

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.