I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:
The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"
Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."
Lord: "My dog died?!"
Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."
Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"
Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."
Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"
Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."
Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"
Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"
"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"
"Dave who?"
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.
"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.
"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"
I brought my cousin to an arcade and I gave her $5 to go play a game, but she tugged my joystick too hard.
How do you rape a feminist? Tell her you are a woman and she will let you do whatever. You won't even need to force it.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
Yo mama so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
yo mama so fat she went swimming with the whales and sang "weeeeeee areeeee fammmilllyyyyy!!!!!!!"
What do you call a woman who says she can do anything a man can do?
Wrong.
At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to stop the Cold War with a heater.
Why didn't Sally get home from work?
She got hit by a bus.
Why was Stephen Hawking's wife mad at him?
She caught him having an affair with his shoulder.
I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.
Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
I went on a walk with a super pretty girl, then she saw me and it turned into a run.
Yo mamma is so ugly, she made blind kids cry.
I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"
