Sex jokes

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!

That’s the best I’ve done so far.

What do you call five Black people having sex?

Threesome.

Manly men go to strip clubs. JD Vance goes to IKEA.

I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.

Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.

So I don’t get pepper sprayed.

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?

Call her on the phone.

Sex is like pizza.

When it’s hot, it’s great.

When it’s cold, it’s still pretty good.

Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing with the bent one.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.

I want my first time to be special.

What is the worst part about making an Asian girl squirt?

She charges you for extra sauce!

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

What does Stephen Hawking say after sex? That was wheely good.

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.