Sex jokes
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!
That’s the best I’ve done so far.
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
What do you call five Black people having sex?
Threesome.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?
He kept throwing with the bent one.
Sex is like pizza.
When it’s hot, it’s great.
When it’s cold, it’s still pretty good.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
What is the worst part about making an Asian girl squirt?
She charges you for extra sauce!
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.
I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”
WOULD YOU RATHER:
Eat 20 lbs of cow s**t?
or
Drink a gallon of sperm?
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
Manly men go to strip clubs. JD Vance goes to IKEA.
What does Stephen Hawking say after sex? That was wheely good.
What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?
"Do you want the cameras on or off?"
When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.
What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?
You don’t need consent.
My neighbor's daughter gave me a three-course meal last night:
Starters - role play and stripping.
Main course - Reverse Cowgirl.
Dessert - Blowy.