Sex jokes
Linda and Peter are having sex. Peter goes in and out hard then fast and then begins to taste her tits. Finally, he moves down to the vagina and eats her hard. His rouge is inside her body, lolling around. He fucks her hard again and his dick slicks up her vagina. The entire time she is moaning and begging for more.
When Linda cums on his penis she begins to lick his balls hard. Peter begins moaning too saying, "Linda, you're just as amazing at fucking as your sister."
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.
My teacher asks all of us in class, "What is your favorite thing in the world?"
Josh: Cookies.
Jacob: My parents.
Erika: My Friends!
Brody: Lamborghinis.
Me: Pulling over in a car in the middle of nowhere at night with my girlfriend and getting in the back seat where the magic happens... ;-)
My Teacher: Ok, everyone that was all good...WAIT A DANG SECOND!
*Everyone Looks at Me With A Weird Face....
Why is Fairy's washing up liquid the best form of lubricant for anal sex?
No more tears.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.
A dog meets a cat. The cat is black and the dog is white. They have sex on site, no cap.
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
What instrument do people like to listen to while having sex?
A sex-a-phone.
Condoms are for pussies.
Why don't gay Greek men have anal sex with each other in Greece?
Because anal sex between gay men is against the law in Greece.
A 90 year old man takes a Viagra.
Strips off naked, lies down in an alley way. Three chicks walk on by: a blond, a brunette, and a red head.
The red head said, "I'm not letting that go to waste," so she strips off and rides him. When she's finished,
The brunette then strips off naked and rides him. The blond's now worried because she just got her period. The red head sez, "He's dead. Don't let it go to waste," so she strips off naked and rides him. Then he wakes up. He then says, "Wow, two jump starts and a blood transfusion. I'm good to go!"
Roses are red, I have a confession:
A man kills best friend after 10hrs anal sex session.
"Penis equals power, pussy equals wussy."
What do women and peanut butter have in common?
They're both easy to spread.
Blonde: Can I suck you off? (has STDs on mouth)
Me: Naw (drake turn/dab)
What do you call snowmen having sex?
A snowjob.
Seriously, who wants dicks?
Your face with my cum.
If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?
That number is how many dicks you suck.
What's the difference between an aborted fetus and an upside-down bar stool?
An upside-down bar stool can only pleasure 4 men.