Services Jokes

Paralyzed Man: * gets up * I’m out of here

Blind Man : Did that paralyzed man just get up

Deaf Man : did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up

Mute Man: did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up

Dead Man: did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up

“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say didt that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up

Doctor: * calls 911*

911 service: 911 what’s your emergency

Doctor: yes uh, a “normal” person just said taht did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up

911 service: * hangs up*

The cold winter night, there was a cabin in the woods. The cabin housed 3 men. The men were gay but they did not know.

Fili: "Fili." Kili: "And Kili." Fili and Kili: "At your service." Kili: "You must be Mr. Baggins." Bilbo: "No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house." Kili: "What?! Has it been canceled?" Fili: "No one told us." Bilbo: "Can...! No, nothing’s been canceled." Kili: "That’s a relief." Fili: "Careful with these, I just had them sharpened." Kili: "It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?" Bilbo: "Uh...no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?" Dwalin: "Fili, Ki­li, come on, give us a hand." Kili: "Mr. Dwalin." Balin: "Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in." Bilbo: "Ev...everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If...if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!" One of the Dwarves: "Get off, you big lump!"

Then the men only had one seat they had in the cabin. It was a bar seat. they were able to flip it upside down and fit all of them on it.

Ur forehead is so big it blocked my phone service

Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?

Because he was about to kick the cabinet.

1. Full name: John 2. Proverb: work is not a rabbit, does not run. 3. Favorite meal: the sphinx with the sour cream. 4. Sexual orientation: sexually disorientated. 5. Mental health: mentally retarded. 6. Previous careers: funeral undertaking, after that two years in the circus as the main brown bear, after that in the church school for two years, after this experience five years as a screw in the jail for the worst criminals with the top degree of supervision and now working for the secret services in my home country after gaining the top-secret audit. 7. Favorite pets: dog, bumble bee named Maxo, a butterfly named as Redwing and the lizard named as Notail 8. Favorite activities: washing the dishes, cutting the woods, vacuuming and playing hard rock. 9. Working motivation: none.

I hope that you will accept my curriculum vitae and that we will see each other soon already as new colleagues, I wish more or less. Kind regards, John

man: why cant an orphan use Verizon ? kid: why? man: cause they have a family plan kid: oh then i need to switch phone services then man: why kid: im a orphan man: laughs out loud thats tuff ( you can tell the joke shortentd by saying why cant an orphan use Verizon cause they have a family plan)

man: why cant an orphan use Verizon? kid: i dont know why man: cause they have a family plan kid: well i need to get another phone service now

What does Stephen Hawking and a prostitute have in common ? They both charge.

Your loved one dies and you call the Coroner's office, they answer. "Hello this is Benny from the Coroner's office, you stab em', we slab em', how may I be of service?"

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up? Kid 1: I want to be a fire fighter kid 2: I want to be a police officer kid 3: i want to be dead like both my parents Teacher: ok everyone pull out your books Kid 4: are we going to ignore what he said? Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?

Why did the orphan not get service at the restaurant? BECAUSE IT WAS A FAMILY RESTURANT

Ring.. Ring.. Yes this this is Dave from the Orphanage, you make em we take em, how may I be of service?

If there’s a 4 Mexicans in a van which of them is driving?- None of them immigration service is

I went to the local butchers and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says "I had to fire her too"

Alternative punchline:

I had to all social services, she was only 14

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back... The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

If cancer was a person I’d shake their hand and say: thank you for your service.

Sorry if it’s too far but don’t come here if u can’t take it

The 1645 service has been cancelled and has been replaced by a replacement bus service. EasyJet would like to apologise to all of those who are travelling to Greece.

Information has been leaked from government sources. When the current lock-up ends the holder of the nations purse, Fishi Rucksack will launch a new initiative. This will be to help the struggling 'personal services' industry, and will be labelled, 'Sleep out to Help out.'

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking".