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Political correctness has gone too far! You have to say "cognitive decline" rather than "Alzheimer's ridden shitbag"!
You know how many people said, "This ship will never sink?"
They jinxed it by saying "never sink."
Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.
Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.
"My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances, I would have to jump out of the plane."
And his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?"
The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
Sonic says: "Gotta go fast!"
The Hulk SMASH!
Orphan says: "Gotta go home!"
POV: it's picture day, but you can't sit still, even though your mom told you to but you got to exsited, about and you were just in it for the icecream at the shop, and then your mom says sit still but you don't listen, and honestly that would be me fr, NOT THAT DEEP BRO........
Some guy farts and says, "That was some asshole behind me."
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
What did the squash say to the tomato?
Ketchup!
Would you steal 20 dollars from a stupid 6 year old kid with Down syndrome who can't talk and make ah ah ah noises, or get one dollar for saying the N word?
A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"
What did the 9/11 survivor say when he went back to his family? "You won't believe it! The Twin Towers became conjoined twins when it happened!"
What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?
I'm logging out.
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the men he took home that said they were hungry? "I've got Ben and Jerry's in the freezer."
This kinda reminds me of when my mum was feeding me. She always used to say, "Open wide for the delicious plane."
They say Trump got impeached, but he is an orange.
When the school shooter is just about to leave your classroom, and you think you're in the clear, but the Down syndrome kid says, "Goodbye."
Why did the GG Miller say to the loser?
"This is a nice reflection!"
What did the fish say to the other fish?
"I want my life to be H2O-ver!"
Two cunts are better than one, but one cunt is better than none.
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."