Say jokes

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"

Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"

What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?

"To be and not to be."

A man walking on his roof, carrying an axe. He drops it on someone below him and says, "Sorry, it was an axe-cident!"

What did the computer say to the other computer? “Well, tech-ically we can’t talk.”

Me: I used to laugh at Skyrim jokes like you, then I took an...

Everyone Else: DON'T...FUCKING...SAY IT.

What did the woman say when I told a rape joke?

"I don't get it."

I had a friend who got shot in the head.

Guess you could say he was...

Blown Away!

Yo mama so ugly, when she looks in a mirror, it says, "Viewer discretion advised!"

I murdered my friend's brother because he kept saying "HEE HEE" like Michael Jackson when I was trying to have a serious conversation. I just found out he was disabled. That's a THRILLER.

When someone calls you gay, say:

"I'm straight, straighter than your hairline!"

It hasn't been the same since Kobe died. I can't say "Kobe" anymore when going to shoot a shot. Now I have to say, "Kobe crash!"

For being a big company, NASA is openly saying they want pictures of Uranus.

To a Mexican person: When I first met you, I thought you were going to say, "My name is Enrique, I have a job for you."

Everyone has a good heart; they just don't know what to do with it. I say give someone some love. Hate is sooooo stupid. Love is soooo smart!

POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"

A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.

A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"

Q: What can't teachers say to orphans?

A: "I'm calling your parents!"

"Go big or go home," that’s what some people say.

"Go loud and proud," that’s what other people say.

"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that’s what I say.

Why don't cheetahs say goodbye?

Because they are not going to work.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"