yesterday i was asked where my parents are i said getting milk
My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden. He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, " You have to dig a little."
Guy asked me what I do for a living. Now I'm not old enough to get a job so I said nothing. He asked me again so I said, "Your wife" The guy goes to slap me but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
I said Urainus! And the girl beside me face palmed :/ I wonder what i did wrong?
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I I have sex my eyes hurt. He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday, guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch
A man went to the doctors and the doctor said “what happened to you?” The man replied and said “I broke my arm in two places!” Then the doctor replied with “DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!”
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said thanks for visiting.
I told a furry, dont call your self a joke! I said to the furry, Joke has meanings.
There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.” The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!” The third blonde says “so we go at night.”
One day the mailman came to drop the mail off then he ask if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah the thing is my mom was coming out the shower naked and when she open the door it was me and the mailman. Now when the mailman sees me he says to me we got something in common we both saw your mom naked.
My friend and I were at the mall, and decided to try on some necklaces. He said l think you should get the one over there, I do, I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it, I asked him did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?
A girl in my class started barking and I yelled out "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her and I felt bad after school I asked to drive her home and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one I yelled " THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car
I asked my mum to be in the Paralympics and she said i had to eat more vegetables
A cat gets its tail run over, and it’s mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
My teacher asked the class to stand up if your dumb, no one did so she said “ comon someone must be dumb” and pointed over to the left side of the class room , lil Jonny stands up , “do you think ur dumb ,lil Jonny ?” Asked the teacher ,”no I just feel bad for you , your the only one who who’s stood up “ replied lil Jonny!
A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do and finally the friend said why don't you just use me. The boyfriend said why did i not think of using the third wheel.
