Said jokes

What did the creep do when the woman said, “Make yourself at home?”

He hid in her attic.

GOTTVERDAMMT, Hans! I said, "Glass of juice," not "Gas the Jews!"

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

Bill really said "your body, my choice," like, my man, it's your body, MY choice.

I went to visit my childhood home. I asked the owners if I could come in for some nostalgic memories. They said no and slammed the door on me. My parents are so mean.

"Learn to fly a plane," they said. "It'll be fun," they said...

Two balls sit inside a bucket. One turned to another and said, "Hey man, boing, are you sentient, too?"

The other one said, "I’m sapient, you are sentient!"

BOINGZINGA!?!

DARK ALERT********

A girl went to the doctor. The doctor said she had one year to live. She shot the doctor, and the judge gave her 15 years.

DARK ALERT********

Timmy had 66 toys. He said it was "2 many (662)," so he gave them to Mr. Divide. He gave 21. Equals flip it over! It’s weird.

Your mom is so fat that when she went on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

I pushed an orphan and they said, "I'm telling!" I asked, "Telling who? Your parents?"

Today I was asked what I wanted to be, and I said I wanted to be a pinata because I want to be hanged.

I got in trouble today because I threw a lamp at the emo kid and said, "Lighten up!"

Teacher: Hi class, today we will learn about the song, "London Bridge is falling down, falling down."

Then one student said, "I thought it was 'Twin Towers are falling down, falling down!'"

I was an orphan as a kid, but I have never had a bitch, so I asked this cheerleader to homecoming, and she said, "Mofo, you are only coming to hoco because you need a home to go to!"

He was in a fight, then a person said, "Stand up for yourself!"

A Chinese guy said to his friend: "I saw you fucking your donkey yesterday."

His friend: "No, that's impossible, it's too hot inside."

My teacher got so mad at me for making 9/11 jokes, she hit me twice and I said, "Damn, got hit twice!"

The Ruler of Varvona wanted a fruitcake, but his subjects showed up at his castle with a Christian instead.

And he said: "NO, NO, NO! YOU IMBECILES! NOT THAT KIND OF FRUITCAKE!"

One day, a little girl was texting her friend. "Guess what, Angelica!" said the little girl.

"What?" Angelica replied.

"I'm a guy."