Said jokes

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

My girlfriend accuse me of cheating. I asked her what was I supposed to do? She was just lying naked she said just do the damn autopsy.

I was at a bar. The girl said, "Sex, sex, free sex tonight," when she really said, "663629."

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

NASA called me and they said they reached your hairline.

Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

What was the comment that Vice President Harris said in the United States Senate when a blue dog democrat in the United States Senate called Vice President Harris a bitch?

Kibbles 'N Bits!! Kibbles 'N Bits!! I is going to get me some Kibbles 'N Bits!!

Fence 1 was thinking and Fence 2 said, "Are you still on the fence about running away?"

Fence 1 said, "Yeah, I was thinking of running on the RAILROAD."

They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

"If all of these structures break we will all die."

And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"

And he said, "It would be breaking news."

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

A guy is talking to an Indian therapist.

He had a red dot, and the American thought it was from a sniper rifle and tackled him and said, "I thought the red dot on your head was from a sniper rifle!"

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

Your momma so ugly, when the Kool-Aid man burst in the door, he said, "Oh no!"

*True story*

I saw this guy with a very bad hairline who was painting himself blue and it said "Smurf Paint," but I shouted, "Megamind!"