Said jokes

Your mum is so fat, when the doctors did her x-ray, the doctor said to her, "I want your x-ray, not an elephant's x-ray!"

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

I remember you. You used to be an ash.

I would love to roast you more, but my mom said to not burn trash.

Yo mama so fat, when she had an interview for NASA, they said, "We don't hire planets."

Chris said to me in P.E. that he likes Jacob, and he said he wants to go straight to the bedroom.

Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?

Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."

Therapist: That's not so bad.

Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."

You're so fat that when you stepped on a scale, it said, "To be continued..."

Did Mr. Rusher play tennis in the dark?

You will get hit by the tennis ball! Ouch, Mr. Rusher said.

Me: And this is the room I cry in.

Date: You've said that about every room.

Me: Correct!

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

There was an enemy with a machine gun.

My commander said, "Un-arm the enemy."

So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.

I like tacos more than you like tacos.

Who likes more tacos?

Mee! said the taco.

I was in my car listening to my radio. Steve Winwood's song came on, "Just Roll With It, Baby." I said that must be one of Stephen Hawking's favorite songs; he sings it to his girlfriend.

Dad: My kid just said "butch," but since he is a kid, he said a bad word on accident.

*The next day*

Uncle: F*CK!

So, three guys are walking carefully into a bar.

The bartender said, "What can I get you, gentlemen?"

Mortar is like a woman's fanny; the more you play with it, the wetter it gets.

My tutor just said this quote of 2k18^^^

Pontypool is rough.

I said I ate an apple because I was hungry.

Your mom is so fat Santa Claus came down and said, "Ho ho holy shit!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So it could get to the other side!

On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."