Said jokes

You're so fat that when you stepped on a scale, it said, "To be continued..."

Me: And this is the room I cry in.

Date: You've said that about every room.

Me: Correct!

Well, a lock and a key were going on vacation, but the key said, "Help me, I'm stuck!" and then the lock said, "I think I am in lock-shary."

My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."

Your mom is so fat Santa Claus came down and said, "Ho ho holy shit!"

I was bullying a little kid for having a purple eye and said, "Where'd you get that? Your mom? Your dad?"

After that, everyone in my group was laughing at the kid. The next day I never saw him again.

Once in 4th grade, right now, I told a random tree, "Hey, my day is bad right now, can we hang later?"

The tree said: "Yeah, we are going to be hanging every day :) !!! If you can last :)"

It was my cousin's birthday and my mom said what should we get her? I said a rope.

I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"

I slit my wrist and said, "THAT'S A LOT OF DAMAGE!" So I did it again, but with a knife and said, "NOW *THAT'S* A LOT OF DAMAGE!" I then put watertight Flex Seal on the wound, and it didn't seal.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So it could get to the other side!

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.

Why are orphans running around the world after the baseball coach said, "Go home"?

Because he didn’t know what the hell to do.

I always say no to drugs, but considering that I'm talking to them right now, I probably already said yes.

My mom said, "Why did I adopt you?"

I said, "Because the other three were mistakes."

Who else liked the part in Morbius when he said his catchphrase "IT'S MORBIN' TIME" and MORBED over everyone? In my theater we had a standing ovation!

I saw some kids bullying a kid in a wheelchair. I grabbed the kid, pushed him down the stairs, and said, "GTA physics."

I saw a kid in a wheelchair, and he was getting bullied. I said, "Stand up for yourself!"

Your forehead is big. God said dude that's bigger than me and I'm infinitely big!

So when Kim Kardashian went into the ocean, the lifeguard said, "No plastic littering!"