Said jokes

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"

So fat you're a scale said, "Fat ass."

I asked my teacher if I needed to be in the special ED class, but she said I don’t eat enough vegetables.

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

A man said his bars are lit. I said no, because mine are fire.

I wanna date you.

Said mom, dad said no, you are a horrid, f*cking d*ck.

said (DYM 107)

Why isn't Hilary Duff interested in education?

A. She said that she was not interested in learning about anything that was so yesterday.

I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.

A tortoise was in a dry pool along with some geese. The tortoise said that they could carry him to a fresh pool. Then the geese flew through the air holding the tortoise. The tortoise was about to say something, but fell and died.

My friend asked for something dark and creamy. I said..... "GU KHA".

There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

A chair came to life and said, "I'm alive!"

I said, "Yes, I know I am."

I asked my mom if I could be Wednesday (from the Addams family). She said no. She said I would look creepy and weird. She said I HAVE TO BE SOMETHING CUTE. The outfit looked ridiculous. Everyone else looked spooky except for me ;-;.

Stephen Hawking said there is no God.

2018 God said there is no Stephen Hawking.

When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, let’s go bury it."

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!