Said jokes

I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"Bugger off!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Yo mamma so poor that when we went on a date, she took off her shoe laces and said "spaghetti."

A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

My teacher said, "Words don't hurt!"

So I threw my dictionary at her.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.

She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

I was cussing out this kid for stealing, and their mom walked in and said, "Hey, language!" I just said, "English, bitch!"

Your mama's so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, it said, "Viewer discretion advised!"

Last night I had sex and she said, "Stop talking about s***, OMG!" and I made her scream so loud she said, "Her balls hurt!"

There were ten in the bed and the little one said... "Roll over..."

My mom said that being straight is good, but if you're straight, how do you walk? So I decided to be gay.

My mom said, "Hey, come over here."

I responded, "Too late, Mom!"

What happens to Stephen Hawking when he logs in to his account on Google when it says, "I am not a robot?"

What did the girl say Big Fella27 said, "I love Big Fella 27?"

"Same." HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

Listen, if my mom sees me on Roblox at 3 a.m., she said she would bang my head against the keyboardndfndfnnckvnksdvknkdsfnvbfw.

What did the pen say to the pencil?

The pen said, "You're pointy."

I accidentally said, "Go cry to your mom," to an orphan. 😭

An orphan asked his caretaker where his parents are, and the caretaker said, "A place called home."

An African man was walking in New York when he saw a sign that said, "Watch out for children."

He started laughing hysterically, then a white man asked him, "Why are you laughing?"

He said, "In Africa, they would never put up a sign like that."

Random person: We are taking away your freedoms to keep you safe.

Hitla: That's exactly what I said.

My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."