Said jokes

A tortoise was in a dry pool along with some geese. The tortoise said that they could carry him to a fresh pool. Then the geese flew through the air holding the tortoise. The tortoise was about to say something, but fell and died.

My friend: You're ugly.

The orphanage: That's what I said to all my children.

Why isn't Hilary Duff interested in education?

A. She said that she was not interested in learning about anything that was so yesterday.

So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.

I went to my girlfriend's house one day in Alabama when I met her brother. He said, "Well, I guess there's no more you stuck in the dryer."

I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.

Yo mama is so dumb, her reflection said, "Who are you?"

Yo mama so dumb, when she looked at the light, she said, "Why is the sun so close to me?"

One tonsil said to the other tonsil, “We must be in San Juan Capistrano, here comes another swallow.”

So fat you're a scale said, "Fat ass."

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

I wanna date you.

Said mom, dad said no, you are a horrid, f*cking d*ck.

A man said his bars are lit. I said no, because mine are fire.

A chair came to life and said, "I'm alive!"

I said, "Yes, I know I am."

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

I asked my mom if I could be Wednesday (from the Addams family). She said no. She said I would look creepy and weird. She said I HAVE TO BE SOMETHING CUTE. The outfit looked ridiculous. Everyone else looked spooky except for me ;-;.

There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"

My friend asked for something dark and creamy. I said..... "GU KHA".

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.