Said jokes

I asked my class what comes before 47. Everyone said 46, except for the quiet kid who said, "AK."

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.

My mom said, "Hey, come over here."

I responded, "Too late, Mom!"

If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."

Little Johnny walked into his parents' room to see them going at it.

He asked his mom what they were doing, and she said, "Uh, we're play fighting," and he's like, "With no clothes on?"

She said, "Yeah," and so he said, "Let me join you then..."

There was this boy. He had diarrhea, and he kept asking to go to the bathroom, but the teacher said no. Next thing you know, he pooped himself in front of the class.

A young teen was walking home from school and having a nice day.

She gets home, eats, showers, and heads to her room. The young teen hears her mother say something. Not sure what she said, the girl replies with "ok."

The young teen was gonna head to bed, wondering when her mom was gonna come in and say goodnight. She lays in bed, but then she hears her mom's voice say, "Hunny, I'm home." She doesn't bother to say ok.

Later, when she decides to sleep, she gets a message from her mom saying to unlock the door, that she lost her keys. :)

A policeman once said, "I will never forget 9/11."

I said, "I hope not, that’s your phone number!"

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

Chris Rock: Jada, I can't wait to see you in G.I. Jane 2!

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song starts playing:

Will: "I got in one lil' fight about my wife's lost hair, she said, 'Will, if you don't do something I'm gonna have an affair!'" 😂😂😂

Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

I must have raped a woman in a skip. She said she felt rubbish.

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

I got a roommate. He killed a butterfly, and I said no butter for a week. The next day, he killed a cockroach. Son of a bitch, nice try.

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

Somebody asked me, "What's that on your arm?" I just said, "My cats got OCD."

Random person: We are taking away your freedoms to keep you safe.

Hitla: That's exactly what I said.

My mom said that being straight is good, but if you're straight, how do you walk? So I decided to be gay.

All of a guy's sons came out gay. He ordered 10 shots in a bar.

The bartender asks, "Do you have anyone in your family who likes women?"

The man said, "My wife does!"