Safety jokes
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
What's the difference between a penis and a gun?
A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.
For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.
My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."
Don't drink and park.
Accidents cause people.
What is yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
A twin engine has two engines.
If one engine stops, the other will have just enough power to get the plane to the scene of the accident.
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
Vital information: if you find a stray dog in an alleyway, don't stare at its eyes.
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Coming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry? - Adam?
- Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.
Why did the elephant cross the road? It didn't see the cars.
"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."
I give props to pedophiles.
They always go slow in the school zones.
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said,
"Why the heck were my children jumping on a bed?"
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!
What problems might a blind child run into?
A wall.